return

return to words. return to self. return to feeling free. return to…

too much tv. too much fantasy. can’t stop thinking about finding the refresh button. how? where? in tv they find refresh via Hawaii & spa’s & meditation & the forest. is it possible to find refresh where you are? really possible? why do we always assume (desire?) we must escape in order to find ourselves? i’m guilty. very guilty. 

can i find it here. in this new place i find myself. in this space i thought would help me hit refresh, but has somehow made me more complacent? i suspect the choice is always ours. to refresh. to embrace new even in little things. to change. wherever we are. i have time & space and yet…

it must be a choice. how? how do i enter into refresh willingly? how do i motivate & steady? here, at home it can feel impossible. this. this was what the beginning of the pandemic felt like. a confusing gift to refresh in your own space. i had energy then. now. i’m exhausted. without doing anything. i’m doing less now than ever before, and yet i’m somehow the most exhausted. how? how do i get back there? sheer willpower? Hawaii? a forest? a retreat? a routine? would i just return to the same. 

it is true what they say, you carry you with you wherever you go. or whatever the saying is. you can’t run from yourself. you have to do the work. it’s never as easy as a retreat or a new place or a magic opportunity. it’s what you do with all of it?

so, back to the question. can i push refresh, here. at home, in my space. logically it feels more likely to stick, if i can crack the code in the place i sleep & live.

otherwise. would i forever be searching? searching for motivation, for renewal in a new space or person or people or view. how to find contentment here? 


i don’t know.


but, i’ll keep doing what  i can to try and find out. 

little by little. 

bird by bird. 

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