for my birthday, my mum gave me a gift card to a local shop that has lots of trinkets and lovely magical things. i chose to buy a deck of symbols. it is a akin to tarot cards but instead of the traditional cards it has symbols found in nature and in everyday. this is to aide in finding symbolism in your everyday life. i didn’t chose tarot cards, despite there being very lovely decks, because my older sister is a deeply talented tarot reader. which is something her deeply intuitive and magical self has been honing in on for several years. my interest in, and quite frankly acceptance of tarot reading has come solely from deeply enlightening experiences with her readings. and witnessing the same with other people she reads for.
i wanted something different for my own connection and ability to ground/guide myself in a grander yet more accessible way.
i’ve been feeling very funky. loss of energy. lack of motivation. a haziness in my overall sense of self and clarity about what comes next. i’m in a new place, that came from a place of want and yet challenge. the universe hasn’t shown up in the ways that i had been hoping it magically would. i though the move would open doors automatically and before me would be a clear path to finally finding my current purpose.
wrong. there has certainly been new opportunity and perspective and i’m sure growth. yes, mostly what’s come is a (re) understanding that i have to push my own growth into existence. somehow i have to learn this at every new step along the way. when i look back at the most significant pushes forward, i can vividly remember the moments a remember that it’s persistance and hard work and taking risks that actually push me into greater experiences and movement forward. every time. every time i thought “this is too hard”, once i pushed a little more and then a little more, i found myself where i was meant to be…until the next challenge appeared itself.
most recently i have been beginning to see the light. the possible purpose. the reigniting of passion and a sense of direction. of hard work starting to show a path. but, with age i’ve also come to realize how often i tend to get in my own way. i work hard, feel passionate, make brave moves forward, push myself, contemplate where i need more growth…and then before me appears change. and i internal panic. i don’t deserve it. i forced it. it wasn’t meant to happen, i just obnoxiously willed it to be. i’m too controlling, and it will never last. my mind and esteem slip, and i sabotage myself. in one way or another. and then i use that sabotage to convince myself further i don’t’ deserve it and just give up now. be okay, with being complacent and just getting by. you should be grateful for that. because you don’t actually deserve good or great or magical things. so light it on fire. that way you won’t continue to disappoint other people or yourself. let’s just go ahead and readjust everyone’s expectations back to you just being a nice person who isn’t really going anywhere in life and is just generally “okay”. i’m comfortable there? am i? maybe i have been at times? but not today. today it feels heavier, and i have a deeper desire to fix it, for good. give it a good look and squash whatever nasty place it stems from.
it all takes work. every single thing, that is good. sometimes things feel more motivating or passionate or clear than others, but it all takes work. (enter, every cliche’ that’s been written/said about hard work being worth it)
additionally, it’s challenging to find yourself on a journey with a personal you deeply love, but also very much have to work hard at moving forward with them, and not be in the same place. it can be so easy to either bring each other down or bring each other up. because rarely are we on the same trajectory. and i think we often seek people who are a balance for/to us. thus often we can see things in them that we want to be or don’t want to be. and add in the comfort of long term love and friendship and continuing your own personal journey is more challenging than i’d ever imagined. how to support your partner on their own journey and do what’s best for you and your growth at the same time?
so i looked to my symbols deck, for some external guidance. i’ve always viewed these sorts of resources as a tool to help you see yourself better. a structured yet open way to put things into perspective. but, the answers are all with in you. ultimately, you are always your own guide. and you always have the answers inside you. here’s what revealed/clarified for me today:
ultimately my truest desire right now is to take care of myself the best way i can. to foster a greater knowing of myself that will cushion my clarity when adversity or challenge comes my way. today in particular i have a great desire to retreat. to leave the phone behind and seek quiet space for a return of inner knowing.
the challenge i’m feeling is a fear that if i take time for myself i will jeopardize this progress that’s been coming my way lately WHILE struggling with a deep response to try and sabotage this progress by doing things that i can disguise as “selfcare” when really they are simply hiding or putting up walls with people and opportunities that i know are what are necessary for forward movement. I can often refer to them as “boundaries” but often they are excuses. I really struggle with doing things i don’t want to do. period. whether they are wrong or right etc. i have almost gotten too skilled at walking away when i want to. it is often harder for me to stay when don’t want to. or show up when i don’t want to. and harder yet to figure out in preparation, if the desire to not participate comes from a good fear or bad fear. i need to sharpen that skill. however, i know when it’s truly a destructive fear because i almost instantly feel shame and try to justify the decision to myself and those around me. which i have gotten good at doing. but, it is a very destructive skill i’ve learned. rarely do i regret pushing myself into something new/uncomfortable vs. almost always regretting not doing it. the times i don’t feel shame, i know it was the right decision.
the core of all of these questions in my mind come from a desire for real change from being my own worst enemy. i often get in my own way. and right now especially, it feels like my desire and passions are exactly what they’re meant to be. they are purely intentioned and based in my actual gifts and interests. this feels like a true opportunity to embrace newness and finally shed some of the destructive habits that get in my way. such as hiding, not showing up, making excuses, not being willing to ask hard questions, holding myself back from getting the shots i know i can/want to get, pushing myself when i feel loss of energy and complacency. and most importantly the life long battle of feeling worthy and enough for the opportunities both laid before me and aggressively sought after.
this new push to address these challenges for good seems to stem from being in a new stage in life. one where i’m committing to going on the journey with one person and the possibility of bringing little beings on that journey. who do i want to be as a partner? who do i want to be as a parent? who do i want to be as a role model and sister and friend? it’s becoming clear that i was walking a thin line between greatness and goodness. i’ve never been much motivated by the idea of “greatness” but, even further i have rejected any opportunities that could possibly even give me a glimpse at my own greatness. which i would want for anyone i care for. mostly, i don’t want to hid anymore. hiding has a negative affect on how i interact with every single being. i’m realizing more and more that when you show up authentically in your own world it is contagious and inspires others to do the same. both be more authentic and brave with you, but also with their own lives. i have been reminded of this lately as i had some hard but beneficial conversation with friends. my instinct almost always is to hide and feel rejected and use it as a reason for why i shouldn’t put myself out there. but, i almost always get such benefit from simply remembering to show up and give people the benefit of the doubt and have vulnerable conversations. they don’t always go well, but it feels like health to remember there is even a possibility of it, and not feel controlled by the heaviness of the unknown/assumption.
ideally, this leads me to shedding those old habits for good and more clarity towards what my goals are and how to best achieve the. allows me to feel true bravery and all of the new things that come from that. to me that is magic. it’s the ways the world shows up when you are authentic and make hard steps and push forward and chose to see the best in people. as i’ve said i have to remind myself of this regularly. i don’t believe in “things happen for a reason”. i genuinely believe most often things are out of our control and shitty things come from that. however, it doesn’t do any good to fear the worst. it’s such a waste of time and people and space. building your inner strength so you can best handle the shitty thing when it comes. period. but, don’t live in fear of it.
the cards reminded me that what comes next is action. don’t sit in “inner” for too long. make steps forward, make mistakes, get back up, keep asking hard questions. Just do something. this has always been a challenge for me, for every reason i’ve already stated. it’s easier to be stuck here, than to take the step forward. and i acknowledge for myself that i have done a lot of ‘brave” things, depending on what your perspective is. moving to new places, working with people from all walks of life, putting myself in seemingly dangerous situations to help people, having hard conversations with family and friends, trying new things, being patient with hard situations. and i have certainly benefited from each of those things. but, each time there was a point when i stopped pushing myself and let fear and complacency take over. and i want to see beyond. i want to use all of those things that i’ve learned and that have afforded me to be in this exact place i am now, physically and mentally and emotionally. and do something new for myself.
internally this means really leaning into my own power (sorry, cheesy) and push my willingness to fully show up, even when i don’t feel fully worth of being there. quite literally use my voice when i’m in new situations to introduce myself and engage in a way i know is important. and not to let myself only push myself far enough to feel like i did something, and if it didn’t work out beyond that it wasn’t meant to be. i feel like i often give up too soon. and i make choices that confirm that feeling in my mind. again, have hard conversations, show up when it’s uncomfortable or when i think i might be missing out on something else. let go of control of protecting myself from the “what ifs” to gain more control of my life.
i’m learning the importance of honoring and respecting my fears and what they can teach me instead of running from them. working through them instead of around them or in spite of them. darkness comes inevitably, don’t run from it, instead embrace it fully in order to learn what’s needed and be better on the other side. While keeping my own tendency to retreat too much in check.
the end (forever moving towards) goal is the finally feel more capable of grasping my own magic through hard work and pushing myself vs. waiting for the universe to tell me what my direction is, and making up excuses. make it happen for myself, while staying open to new paths and goals and shifts along the way. take opportunities as they come, and when feeling inspiration seek opportunities out. use my own passions whole heartedly. and remember not to judge other people’s paths/journeys nor let them detour the direction of my own path.